UN Urges to Impose Sanctions on Cockroaches

UN Headquarters, New York: At a speech given yesterday in the General Assembly, UN General Secretary, Ban Ki-moon demanded from the various countries of the world to impose economic and diplomatic sanctions on cockroaches.
“Nations of the world, hear me out, for today we live in a state of emergency, and all that we love and cherish is at stake. Humanity, with all of its diverse cultures, both Western and Eastern, is at the brink of extinction. Different and reliable sources have confirmed, that the insect community, despite the countless appeals not to do so, and led by cockroach extremists, is striving to obtain nuclear reactors, with the final purpose of utilizing nuclear weapons.
This should not come to you as a shock, and yet I see many awed faces scattered through the hall. We had always thought that the cockroaches would settle down, and understand that the world does not want them to bear nuclear power. And when they started building reactors, we had always thought that they would use them solely for peaceful purposes, for energy and research. We were naive. For we have forgotten the most important fact about cockroaches: they are entirely resistant to radiation.
These lowlife scum, crawling on the floors and walls, skittering about with their six skinny legs, can live carefree and without worries while mushroom clouds erupt over every major city, and millions of humans perish. In fact, they are fuelled by such deeds, and thrive in the abundance of nuclear fallout, feasting on the dead husks of civilization that today are glorious centers but will be reduced to dust by the bombs.
Up until now, the cockroaches have been silent. They have waited steadily for hundreds of thousands of years, as we humans used our wildest imagination to kill them in every way we could possible conceive. We crushed them with our footwear, hitting them again and again until their fidgeting bodies stopped moving. We sprayed them with horrid toxins, and left them to rot on the kitchen floor. We poisoned their food, we chopped off their heads, we let loose the neighbor’s cat, we put them in cages, we trapped them, we dissected their wings, we altered their DNA. Through all of this they have survived, years upon years of calculated genocide, all the while knowing that at some point, man will discover the secrets of the atom, and will inevitably produce weapons of mass destruction, and when this event happens, it will be their time to strike, and take sweet vengeance for the droves of cockroaches that have laid down their lives to the human conquerors.
Fellow delegates and honorary statesmen, we are at our darkest hour. Once the cockroaches attain nuclear weapons, there is no doubt that these arms will be put to use immediately, with the somber intention of contaminating the atmosphere with hazardous fallout of which there can be no escape. I know that most of you provide food to the cockroaches daily, and help them out both financially and in terms of residence. These acts, although benevolent and favorable when directed towards humans, must be stopped! The nations of the world must stand united, as we face the threat of obliteration. I call out to you in dearest hope, that my plea should not go unheeded. Resist the cockroaches! Offer them no comforting shoulder, prevent them from acquiring enriched uranium, and let humanity survive!”

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