Not long after releasing the iPad, Apple’s latest product, Steve Jobs continues astounding both audience and critics: in a press conference held yesterday (Sunday), Apple’s CEO unveiled the new “iSkyscraper” – a quality made, intuitively designed skyscraper, designated to be easy to use with its large 200 x 40 meter touch screen.
“Well, basically, we noticed something about the recent market trends”, stated Steve Jobs. “With the continual advance of the internet and its ever-increasing exposure to the masses, new technological tools must be constantly created, in order to keep up with the market. This means innovative new designs, outstanding concepts unheard of before, and satisfying quality and content. Companies that fail to deliver these important aspects quickly disappear from the competition. Luckily, Apple never had to deal with these dreadful issues – we found out that people will buy pretty much any useless piece of shit, as long as it has our logo on it. Even more so – consumers are willing to pay twice as much for a product whose name starts with a lowercase “i”, than for products who have regular, if not catchy, names.
“However, we do not let this fact affect us or the quality of our products – on the contrary, it only inspires us to create even newer, more revolutionary ideas. Thus, the iSkyscraper was born – a gigantic, building-sized multi-touch screen, with full internet capabilities, media software, and much more. This is a brand new concept – where else in the market is there a touch screen that lets its user access the net, play games, send instant messages, or make calls to other people? It’s unheard of!”
After this introduction, Steve proceeded to show us the company’s new gadget.
“Well, as you can see, it looks exactly like an iPhone, only bigger. Specifically, about 393,246,000 times bigger in volume. Think of the immense power that you get, when you buy the new iSkyscraper! 393,246,000 times more internet, 393,246,000 times more graphics, 393,246,000 times more everything! Multiply all those together and you get, well, a really large number! Isn’t that reason enough to go to the bank and take a 30 million dollar loan? Of course it is. Now, let me tell you about some of its features.
“First, when you initially buy the iSkyscraper, you enter its exact coordinates. Then, with its revolutionary iGPS, you can always be sure that you know where it is. The navigation and iGPS programs use exclusive new high-end algorithms designed specifically by special engineers at Apple. These ultra-sophisticated algorithms take into consideration the fact that the iSkyscraper is the size of a 60 story building, and therefore cannot be moved. Thus, using many calculations, they are guaranteed to return the correct result. These advanced programs can be used in conjunction with the smooth touch screen, which can handle up to 50,672 fingers at once. While it might seem at first that cranes might be necessary in order to reach some of the taller buttons and features of the iSkyscraper, this is actually not so, because the iSkyscraper contains seven iElevators, which are of course run by its very own iPowerGenerator. These are all cleaned and maintained by an on-site iCrew of thirty iMen, living and eating at the iSkyscraper’s 10th floor.
“Other than that, the iSkyscraper is completely identical to the iPhone. Oh, except, it’s 393,246,000 times larger. Isn’t that super cool?”
Some were worried about the various aspects of the building, stating that it was a tad overpriced. One reporter asked, “Thirty million dollars is a little steep for an initial investment for the average American. Even if he saves half the money he earns, it will still take Average Joe about two hundred years to pay for the iSkyscraper, not to mention inflation, power costs, crew wages, and downloading thousands of useless software from App Store. Isn’t this price too high?”
To this suggestion, Steve replied: “Oh no, of course we will allow our faithful customers to buy the iSkyscraper in advance, and have them pay the costs as they grow older and die, with their children inheriting the debts, and their children’s children after that, and so on. Of course, anyone failing to meet with our payment demands will be summoned to court, and will probably be taken to one of our labour camps in Siberia. In any case, I must remind you, that you are dealing with Apple product, and when dealing with Apple products, no price is too high. After all, they all have that cute little ‘i’ in front of their names.”