Letter of Advice

Dear Iran,

it has recently come to our attention, that you are in the process of developing advanced nuclear technologies. In particular, it seems that you are specifically intent on acquiring atomic bombs and other super-lethal weapons of mass destruction. As a general rule, we applaud such actions of violent and pernicious nature, and therefore, as can be clearly seen be the entire world, we do absolutely nothing to stop you from obtaining these tools of devastation. If anything, we even enhance these procedures by keeping strong and healthy trade relations with you, which greatly boost your economy. Also, we need your oil.
However, we have also been notified, that you wish to use these highly dangerous weapons on various targets spread throughout the globe. While normally we would be quite fine with the notion – after all, who, if not we, who have a native knack for dropping atomic bombs on defenseless countries, know the sheer fun and amusement gained from watching that deadly mushroom cloud rise – we do have a problem with your choice of targets. Specifically, we are not quite sure that we are totally 100% OK with you wanting to bombard us, the Unites States of America, and wipe from the map.
Now, you could ask, why should the USA be any different? Why do we disagree that you should bomb America, but are quite content with your other targets, such as Israel and Germany? To tell the truth of it, it is not that we like those countries less than we like ourselves; on the contrary – it’s been an absolute delight giving Israel billions of dollars every year and getting nothing in return. We are, however, concerned with the general safety of the entire planet, and that is why we do not want you to destroy us.
You see, the Unites States is a very big country. As a matter of fact, we take up quite a bit of space on the map. If you really want to do a good job bombing us, and we know you do, it will take a relatively large number of nukes to do it, possibly all the nukes you are going to have. Now, take Israel as a contrary example – it can be pretty much dealt with using about one or two missiles, at most. That way, you still have a lot left, after you have finished murdering millions of innocent civilians.
Why would you want to save up on missiles? Suppose that one day, not many years from now, a giant marauding asteroid is discovered, heading straight towards Earth, threatening with the total and utter annihilation of the entire mankind. In such perilous a case, a United Coalition will have to be formed from the world’s top nations, including you, and we would use all of our most advanced weapons and technologies in order to divert the menacing rock from its course. In the most dreadful scenario, every nuclear warhead, every anti air missile, every rotten piece of junk that can somehow explode will be used. The entire future of the human race depends on the success of such a course of action; should we fail to move the asteroid aside, we will have none to blame but ourselves for the obliteration of the human race. You and us, we both will be responsible, and the other, weaker and more pathetic nations will look up to us, hoping that we will save them. That is a heavy burden, yes, but one you must take upon yourself in case such an event ever occurs. Unfortunately, our top scientists at NASA have computed, that the chances that an asteroid large enough to threaten Earth will collide with us in the next 100 years are just over 1 to 46,783,952,000! Ponder on that, dear Iran. Is that really a risk that you are willing to take? Do you like your odds enough, to bomb the Unites States? It doesn’t look too good, if you think it clearly; the numbers are against you. Really. It’s not that low a chance as it might seem. Really. Really.
As you can easily see, if you now waste your arsenal on the USA, there will be nothing left to deal with any incoming malicious space boulders. We therefore urge you with uttermost seriousness – do not bomb the Unites States, do not deplete your ammunition on so large a target. Fire at Israel, fire at France, fire at any small or innocent country you wish – just refrain from killing us all. Could you do that? Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top? It would really make us happy, and we would be forever thankful for it.

Sincerely and with a heart full of love,
Barack Obama, President of the Unites States.

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