Scientists believe that they have found the true cause for global warming – that is the claim of professor Rachel Slimstein, from the California Institute of Technology. Recently, she has published a paper in both the prestigious journal “Nature”, and the high held “Science”, describing her findings.
“For many decades now, thousands of scientists have been trying to figure out why Earth just keeps getting warmer and warmer. Some say it’s CO2 and other greenhouse gases; others hold that it is the sun that is changing; still more are quite sure that it’s all a Jewish conspiracy to take over the world. However, we at CalTech believe, after years of research ongoing since 1980, that we finally have the answer: global warming is caused by fat people.
“When I was about 6 years old, I never wanted to eat broccoli. My grandmother then used to say, ‘If you don’t finish everything on your plate, it’s going to get cold and rainy, and you won’t be able to go outside and play’. I didn’t really believe her back then, but sure enough, there were times, especially around December and January, when it did rain, and I had to stay indoors. Ever since, I’ve been thinking; just how much of our climate is affected by what we eat? After 30 years of research, I am a grandmother myself, and can with pure confidence say that everything my own nanny told me was true.
“Look at it this way: today, there are many more fat and obese people worldwide, than there were 50 or 100 years ago. This means that in the previous century, most of mankind were rather skinny and slim, and did not finish all the food on their plates. As a result, it was cold and rainy. Temperatures were low, and everything behaved as normal. However, in recent years, more and more people, in America and elsewhere, are classified as obese – in the USA, over 50% of the population is marked as ‘overly fat’. They grow to mythic blubbery proportions, usually by consuming more food than humanly thought possible – in other words, they do finish everything on their plates, and in some rare occurrences, even ask for seconds! This obviously results in nice warm weather outside, suitable for childplay and outdoor activity – a hot parching sun, and not a raindrop in sight. Earth’s temperature is ever increasing, the land dries up, and we enter what most call ‘Global Warming’. It’s so simple, I cannot understand how not one scientist has thought of it before.
“Of course, such claims cannot merely be thrown out to the public and expected to be taken as an absolute truth; in the scientific community, one has to bring evidence in order to convince others of one’s astounding accomplishments. And herein lies the heart of our research: we have closely followed the percentage of the world which is defined as fat, obese, or overall chubby; simultaneously, we took precise and accurate measurements from thousands of meteorological stations scattered throughout the world, using the most modern sampling technology and methods available. This has been going on for thirty years. Here are two examples of the results: in the following graph, we plot the global temperature deviation from the mean, versus the percentage of fat people in Japan (blue data) and Finland (orange data).
“As you can see, the data does not lie. There is an inherent and obvious linear relation between the number of fat people in each country, and the increase in global temperature. The larger the percentage of a nation’s total overweight population, the more extreme the effects of global warming. So, after looking at the facts, we see that they agree quite nicely with our ‘finish-the-plate’ hypothesis. While we do not yet have an exact reason as to why Japan’s obese citizens and Finland’s obese citizens differ so much in their effect on the climate, we do have a few leads, including the type of food they eat, and the average size of their plates.
“Overall, research is now still in progress, but we are very excited here in Caltech. I personally believe that this discovery could finally cease the never-ending struggle in the academic community as to the causes of global warming; furthermore, it might cause Al Gore to stop creating crappy and inaccurate movies; and who knows, maybe it will finally make America deal with its obesity in a concise, if not brutally aggressive, manner, in an attempt to bring global warming to a halt.”