Recently, Iran has overtaken the newspaper headlines, mainly for her ongoing nuclear activity and missile tests. In a press conference that took place yesterday, however, Iran’s current president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, calmed the worried souls of the world and assured that all his country does is for peace, and peace alone. Our on-site reporter has managed to interview him after the conference, adding further details.
Good evening, Mr. Ahmadinejad.
Peace upon you.
So, what exactly does your country aim for?
Iran aims only for global peace. All of our nuclear facilities, even the eleven hidden ones which no one in the world knows about, are strictly for producing energy for our loving and peaceful country. I do not know why there are some in the world who call us liars, even after we have explicitly stated, that we are not making weapons of mass destruction. As far as they know. I assure you, we don’t make nuclear weapons at all. That others are aware of. And trust me, even if we did, we would use them for peaceful purposes only, for example, to fight poverty, or to rid the world of its many, many evils. We really are innocent, I promise, cross my heart and hope to die; what reason would we have to lie?
I suppose you are right: if you say you aren’t lying, then I believe you. However, Iran does seem to be constantly increasing the size of its army, and its citizens live in perpetual fear of the government.
Yes, but again, that is strictly for peaceful purposes.
So, the Battlecruisers and Destroyers are meant to make everyone happy and calm?
Yes, they are for peace.
And the heavy tanks?
And the nuclear missile silos?
And the torture and interrogation chambers?
And the six pieces of the Doomsday Ion Cannon?
Four pieces. I mean, for peace. It’s funny that you mention it, the Doomsday Ion Cannon is one of the strongest weapons we are developing, capable of destroying entire countries in seconds, and being able to reach even the United States. We intend to use it frequently. For peace.
I have to say, the “Doomsday Ion Cannon” doesn’t sound like a very nice name.
You are quite right. That is why we have decided to change all the names of our terrifying weapons and horrible violent techniques. For example, we no longer use “battleships”, but rather “teddy bears”, and most of our long range arsenal is composed of “happy-smiley rockets”, which carry about 3 tons of explosives. Instead of torture chambers, we now have widespread “houses of laughter and amusement”. This way, we can embed the weapons in children’s books, so that they get to know and love them from a very early age. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have his very own “cute-cuddly-cushy-hand-grenade” at home? Of course, it goes without saying, that the books portray the weapons as nothing but instruments of mass peace, especially when dealing with Americans and Israelis.
All these names certainly do sound very peaceful. I’m much calmer now. But, what about the new fighter planes you just bought? How do they serve your purposes?
Of course, of course, the “fighter jet planes of joy and fun”. Well, we use them mainly to help rescue kittens that are stuck on tall tree branches. Very peaceful. That, and the occasional bombing of small towns in neighbouring countries, but the press doesn’t hear about that much, and it’s not very interesting, and in any case, it’s quite peaceful.
So, to conclude our interview, the world has nothing to fear from Iran or its nuclear program?
Of course not! We only wish to bring happiness to the planet, to stop all needless wars. When our nuclear program progresses, I promise you, we will start spreading peace throughout the entire world, and trust me, once we are done, everybody living will do so in harmony.
So can we take a peek at what’s going on inside the nuclear reactor facility?
As anyone with any sort of wit can see, Iran is no danger to society. All they want is just to help humanity, and yet what does the world do? Inflict sanctions and false accusations. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see, that a country which names her massive array of thermonuclear missile silos “Nice and Tidy Cleanup” can only have good intentions. So, stop oppressing that poor country, and let her fulfil her wishes; in fact, you should actually send money to support her cause. In the end, we will have a better, healthier, and problem free world. Isn’t that an idea worth dying for?