Set up this wall

Germany celebrates 20 years to the fall of the Berlin Wall: Thousands participated in the 20th year anniversary to the fall of the Berlin Wall today, in a massive event which took place near the border which used to separate the two parts of the city. Amongst the attendees were the city mayor, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, US president Barack Obama, and several hundred Stazi and KGB undercover officers. In order to properly commemorate the event, a new, stronger, taller, and much more heavily fortified wall was erected, and subsequently put under guard by thousands of German officials. The city was again divided, and all the ceremony’s participants were arrested and taken to “special interrogation” without trial. Germany declared martial law, and instantaneously a myriad of communist banners were flung up on every building within the city, calling for the downfall of the evil West and the rise of the new Eastern Empire.

“I see no better way to pay our respects to the old wall, than by putting up this new one. It’s a brand new model, made real by using the finest technology science has to offer”, stated lead designer and torture executive, Wilhelm Schwanitz. “Instead of using old decayed brick, we now use reinforced steel concrete slabs, able to resist up to several megatons of pressure. Even if those foolish citizens decided to revolt again, and they won’t if they know what’s good for them, their hammers and bulldozers will have no effect on our mighty barricade. Just in case, though, I have stationed several extra machine gun posts along the new wall. Just in case.”

The new wall indeed uses much more advanced technology than the one which was destroyed in 1989. Instead of simple barbed wire and guard posts, it now features smart touch-sensitive bombs, motion detection cameras connected to automated machine guns, constant 24 hour watch, and embedded electrical fences against any who wish to climb. These advanced defences also point upwards, shooting with deadly accuracy at any object in the sky, creating a rather sickening mess of dead birds and shattered airplanes. Those who do manage to somehow cross the wall, must then deal with heaps upon heaps of bureaucratic forms, sheets, papers and deeds in order to be accepted into the other side (they are still German, after all). In the midst of this agonizing bureaucratic confusion, the Stazi hopes that the escapee will unknowingly sign a special form called “I Surrender Myself And All My Possessions To The Good Of The Social Communist Government Nr. 2354-v2.9-a.c-2/24h”, which does pretty much what its name suggests.

“What bothered me the most about the old wall was that it fell” commented Igor Reihnert, a German politician from the East. “This time, we avoided this pitfall by arresting all the citizens who even have a chance of rebelling against their loving and caring country, including women, children, and infants. In addition, just to be sure, we confiscated all picks, axes, hammers, screwdrivers, shovels, bulldozers, dogs, guns, swords, maces, bricks, sandals, balloons, shoelaces, AAA batteries, spoons and Hungarian dictionaries in the country. For the good of the communist government, of course.” Igor then continued to describe how the wall’s new poisonous gas feature would help people understand that they do not actually want to illegally cross it, but would rather stay at home and break their backs performing hard labour jobs for the country.

International responses were overly positive. Obama noted “We couldn’t have built a finer, meaner and deadlier wall in America!”, while Sarkozy ranted about how he wanted such a wall himself, to put between France himself and Germany. Iran blessed Germany for their glorious insight, and Russia’s prime minister was seen celebrating and muttering something about “the glory of the USSR reborn”. However, not all welcomed the wall with such favour and excitement: Israel’s minister of foreign relations merely shrugged, stating that “Their wall is no better than ours”.

Some of the citizens expressed discontent with the raising of the looming, forbidding and terrifying wall, as well as the new totalitarian tyranny which abruptly took control of the country. Two teenagers were seen in the streets, protesting. “They took our hammers, they took our guns, they took our AAA batteries; luckily, they forgot to take our toilet paper.” The two proceeded to throw the toilet paper at the wall, the combination of the white lavatory rolls and the decapitated heads of human rights activists on the wall being rather laughable. However, soon enough the Stazi showed up, and the kids were never seen again. Consequently, all toilet paper was confiscated, and instead the citizens had to wipe their asses with excess resolution drafts from the last UN security council assembly.

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